My
Most Precious Lesson – My Brother
Forgive.
How simple the word, how profound the achievement.
I remember
during discussions with family and friends, I would always say that although I
will never forget the injury, I will forgive the person who hurt me.
Of course, I would say this because I was a Christian, a child of God.
As a Christian I am expected to forgive all who hurt me. These were my conscious thoughts. I would say them out loud
to others and purposefully say them to myself. I guess I thought that if I said
it often enough I would begin to believe and eventually feel it.
Looking
back, I did not want to forgive the person who hurt me. I remember I would bring
the incident to the front of my mind and recall every detail until I felt the
victim again. As I thought about
the incident I would think about how I would exact revenge. I played various
scenarios in my mind and in each scenario I was the victor.
To be
honest my scenarios would appear to make me the winner, Truth is that it made me
the “innocent victim” of betrayal to those that witnessed my revenge. In
most of the scenarios, I would be the “truly” forgiving victim.
These incidents were the reasons that my life was in such disarray and
that in order for me to get my life together I needed to make the perpetrator
suffer as much, or more, than I had suffered.
I believed
that I had forgiven the person even though I continuously had these fantasies.
I justified myself with thinking that these are only thoughts and they do
not harm anyone. These thoughts allowed me to regain control and I associated
this with having power and strength and returning to a happy life.
For those few moments I had complete control over my life, especially the
past.
I will
never forget September 2001 through September 2002. Thirteen months that brought me to the brink of despair and
the gates of freedom all in one year.
The year
2001 brought us all to the realization that we in the United States were no
longer safe from devastating terrorist attacks. We learned that September 11, 2001 when many of us lost
family, friends and co-workers through acts of terrorism.
November
2001 brought sadness to my family personally when my brother, a generous soul,
was diagnosed with lung cancer.
Having
mentioned previously how important it was for me to take control of my life, I
immediately felt responsible for taking care of my brother.
As my
country and the company where I was employed worked on healing from the tragedy,
I focused my attention on ensuring that my brother followed doctors orders and
took care of himself.
The first
week in May 2002, my cat, Jaime, got ill and my Dad called me to tell me that
she needed to be taken to the vet. I left work and rushed home.
She was so ill she could not stand.
My heart
felt as if it would break as I watched her.
My brother immediately drove me to the vet. In spite of all his pain and the weakness he felt, without
any hesitation he got into the car and drove me to the vet.
What does
all this have to do with forgiveness? Well,
let me just say that those twelve months taught me the true meaning of
forgiveness and the true meaning of power and strength.
For many
years I did not like my brother. Often I felt a loathing for him. For several
years he was an alcoholic who drank every Friday or Saturday night until he
could not stand. It was not until he lost his special drivers license that he
gave up drinking. However, that did
not endear him to me.
I was
raised with the knowledge that we take care of our family members. No matter
what we felt, when a family member becomes ill it is our responsibility to care
for them. This I learned from both
my parents. I was by his side almost every single day. I was the one that called
the hospital in the middle of the night threatening to rush down there if my
brother was not provided with extra blankets, or given water when thirsty, etc.
It was
during his hospitalization that I learned what love is.
I watched this child of God lose the use of his legs, fight to learn how
to function as a paralyzed man. I watched as he fought for his life while in
ICU.
On
September 11, 2002, I was called by the doctors and told there was nothing more
that could be done for him. They
had given him all the treatments that they could but to no avail.
A few days
later, I was present as he was told that there was nothing else that can be done
for him by the medical field. I
watched as he made the choice of how he wanted to spend his last days.
I promised him that he would never be alone. I would be there with him
until the very end. I was.
My brother
passed on September 26, 2002.
Power and
Strength. I now associate these
words with my brother. He faced his
immortality and took the opportunity to say farewell to his family and friends.
He showed his appreciation to each of his visitors with his welcoming
smile.
Forgiveness?
Well, that was the lesson I was learning during those twelve months.
I do not know when I forgave my brother. It might have begun with the
diagnosis of his illness. It may have been his compassion toward me when he
drove me to the vet with Jaime even though he was feeling terrible. It may have
been watching him slowly deteriorate. It
may have been the way he accepted what was happening with courage and/or it may
have been his wanting to share his last days with friends and family instead of
hiding.
How do I
know now that I have forgiven him? Well,
I look back and realize that from the time he landed in the hospital to the day
he passed on, I only wanted him to feel loved and feel at peace.
You see, what he needed was more important that what I needed.
I think it would be impossible for any of us to put another person first
unless there is love.
Where
there is love there is always – always – forgiveness. When we forgive, love, like a flower, blossoms and radiates.
Often, we
stay focused on the past and we do not fully live in the present, nor truly
prepared for the future. Are you
ready to take responsibility for your feelings and actions, and create a future
of love and peace?
As a Life
Coach I can help you rekindle the light of love in you that will help you move
into the present and help you create the future that you deserve.
If you are ready to reveal your true self, call me to schedule a free
half hour consultation.
©
Milagros Padilla – November 2003